he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
