I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
