Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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