I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
