apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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