Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
