I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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