I wish my penis had an off switch
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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