I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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