Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
