I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
