I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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