Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
