On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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