i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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