I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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