things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
