dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
