so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
