Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
