I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
