Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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