if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
