I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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