worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
