I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
two words...techno handjob
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
