I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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