youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
