i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
