Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.

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(925): View more from California

never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.

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(314): View more from Missouri

no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(469): View more from Texas

I will probably be peed on at some point today.

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(251): View more from Alabama

"Accidentally" bump into him after class.

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.

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(253): View more from Washington

So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?

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