Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
