yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize