i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
