Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
