I think I died a long time ago.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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