Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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