4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he puts the penis in happiness.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
