Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i came on her dog
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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