Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
