He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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