you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
