he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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