So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
