I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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