It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
