My room smells like vodka and shame
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
