I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
