My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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