she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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