I just pynch a tree in the face
wakey wakey hands off snakey
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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