Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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