either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
