afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
