Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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