I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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