i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
