I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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