Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize