Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
