zippers are such a cool invention
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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