im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
