Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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