I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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