Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
