atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
