Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
