theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize