my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
